Hong Kong 97
This is the most absurd game ever made. It was released for the Super Famicom in Japan (or at least supposed to be). So, what made this game so excruciatingly horrible? Well for starters, there’s a 5 second music loop… WITH LYRICS. And that loop is the only song that plays for the entirety of the game. Even when you die, the loop keeps playing uninterrupted. You will take that loop to your grave. The game opens up with a badly photoshopped picture of Jackie Chan from the movie “Wheels on Meals” who is supposedly the nephew of Bruce Lee and the protagonist of the game.
After 5 screens of the most ridiculous dialogue I’ve ever seen, we discover that Jackie Chan aka Chin must take down 1.2 billion communists in China (the entire population of China at the time!). The game then opens up to this Space Invaders-like (but way worse) projectile shooter. After 5 minutes of killing “communists” with white balls (because god forbid Chin would use his fists) who are swirling all over the screen, the boss finally appears.
Yes, the boss of the game is former politician Deng Xiaoping’s head with blood dripping from it. It just flies all over the screen. And that sums up the entire game. If you have a few extra minutes, I highly recommend watching the Angry Video Game Nerd review this game, it’s hilarious.
Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest
It took a simple internet search to discover how wildly hated this game is. It’s impressive how many people have taken the time to write paragraphs about just how bad this game is. It’s definitely much more thorough then Hong Kong 97, but there’s a ton of flaws. Firstly, there’s no clear direction at any point in the game. Everyone you interact with gives you useless information. Items appear to do nothing, but you better save them because you will need to use them at the most incomprehensible, random times in the game. There’s a point in the game where you need to select the red crystal, kneel in front of a wall at the end of a section, and then wait for 20 seconds before a tornado brings you to the next stage.
There’s absolutely no way of knowing that was the case. In addition, there’s a lack of boss battles, the controls suck, water kills you, and navigating is impossible. One of the worst features, however, is the pop-up that occurs when it becomes nighttime or daytime.
The pop-up pauses the game and in very tedious and slow writing, you are told that night/day has arrived. Who cares?! Imagine I took your remote away from you for 15 seconds every 5 minutes you were playing a game and then gave it back to you. Other than that, every time you die, you lose everything, and in certain parts of the game you need to collect many hearts but it’s very easy to die making you restart completely.
I can’t believe this game was released. In the credits there are 5 or 6 names. That means that 5 or 6 separate people worked on this game and said: “yeah, this is good enough”. No, it was not good enough, not even close. It’s very unfinished. The worst part is that there are sequels, and those are unfinished also! Now what’s the most important component of a racing game? How about having something to actual race against. After you select the map (one of which will crash your game), you get the countdown at the start line. Once the light goes green, your opponent doesn’t move. That’s right, it’s impossible to lose.Take anything you’ve learned in physics class and throw it out your window when playing Big Rigs because your truck defies gravity in every possible capacity.
You speed up when you’re going over rocky hills and you can drive through anything (and I mean anything! (buildings, road signs, bridges)). The game is so bad that you can just escape it by driving off-road. There’s nothing to stop you from leaving the map. When you win the race, a trophy with the caption “You’re Winner” appears (I’m dead serious).
You can also go in reverse and if you keep holding down that key you will reach infinite speeds. Once again, I highly recommend watching the Angry Video Game Nerd review this game, it’s really funny.
Desert Bus was actually created to simulate real life. It is the most monotonous, boring game anyone can ever play. Seriously, try to find a more boring game than Desert Bus, it can’t be done. Penn and Teller were a popular TV duo who created Desert Bus in an effort to mimic real life. The game begins by displaying a first person view of a bus driver and get used to it because that’s all you see the entire game. You’re lucky if once in a while you see a stop sign or a rock on the side of the road, but besides that, the scenery remains the exact same. All you do is drive down a straight road. Nothing more, nothing less.
So what’s the point? Well you’re supposed to drive to Vegas which is 360 miles away and you’re moving at 45 miles/h (you can’t accelerate). Basic math says that it will take 8 hours to get to Vegas. 8 HOURS! That’s right, they expect you to steer a virtual wheel on a straight road for 8 full hours in real time. No, you can’t pause the game “because you can’t pause real life”, so you must do this in one sitting. So you may be wondering what happens at the end of the 8 hours (for those who actually sat there and did it). A google search tells me that you get 1 point. 8 hours of driving for 1 single point. Completely useless too! There is no game more pointless than Desert Bus. I will once more recommend the AVGN review of Desert Bus because he’s so funny.
This one is bad, and I mean BAD. For a game that was released in 1999 there was clearly no one who tested it. After 3 minutes of loading screens the game opens up to a practice round of flying through rings. The only problem is that for the first stage of the game you’re on an incredibly tight timer (this has to be one of the hardest opening stages in video game history). If you miss more than a couple rings you lose as well. The worst part is that if you know you messed up, you can’t restart. You have to sit out the timer which makes no sense. If you’re lucky enough to get through the first part, the second stage gives you only 7 seconds to complete the following task. If you can’t make it in time you have to restart everything! The game is incredibly glitchy too! Who wants to play a superman game where all you do is fly through rings.
If you’re good enough to beat the 7 second stage where you pickup cars, you fly through more rings. Then, you pick up more cars. Guess what comes next? MORE RINGS! What were they thinking?! This is a punishment. And obviously, it goes without saying that an AVGN review of Superman 64 is a must-watch!
Let us know if you’ve ever played/ heard of a game worse than this. We’re genuinely curious so tweet at us (@GameProtocolTKN).
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